I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I need a burrito and a hug.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
