My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
