I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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