Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
