Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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