you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
