you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
