if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
