Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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