I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
