I have demons in me.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
