How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
