Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i love accidental penises.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
