when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
