Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
