Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
