I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
