I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
