Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
