I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
babies were throwing up all over the place
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
