you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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