Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
