I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
