I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
