so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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