You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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