96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
