I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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