i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
