Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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