so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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