I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
