I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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