Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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