I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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