the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
