I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
