Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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