Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
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