Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
