Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
