you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We left the knife in your bed.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
