if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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