Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
it's great music for shaving your balls
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
