i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
