Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
