after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
