..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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