i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
