I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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